| Do computers terrify you? Do you freeze
when you see a seven-year old manipulating the keyboard of a micro-computer
with dexterity? The Office Manager feels exactly the same way about the
computers that invade his daytime habitat.
Such is the competition to sell computers
to managers, that one, rather staid, manufacturer has thrown caution to
the winds. He supplies free, with each new computer, a "Lion packaged as
a Housecat", presumably housetrained, helpful around the office, a good
mouser and pre-programmed to go on safari looking for choice morsels of
data for its mate. Office managers who are fed up with computer-based menagerie
salesmen may now take comfort in BRAMBLEWARE, a new range of user-friendly
computer packages that is based on the Bramblebush operating System. Fuzzy
Logic in its compiler gives Brambleware a unique ability to mix cause and
effect : making it a must for the non-expert systems manager. He will be
safe with the new system, because it leaves him free to carry on much as
he did before, only more so.
The Random Tangling Fudgeware - RTF - provides
interlaced crosstalk between timesharing programs on the same machine,
as well as a sophisticated spreadsheeting facility that allows the user
to spread facts as thinly as he likes. These features give a high level
of user security and turn the audit trail into a masterpiece of creative
accountancy. When the BLUR command is pressed, selected numbers, rows or
columns can be de-focussed.
The SMUDGE subroutine allows digitally-encoded
blotches to be placed upon the screen; these are then moved into position
with the SQUIRREL cursor. The command NUTS terminates the subroutine by
deposing the blotches on the screen and burying the smudged data under
COMPOST, designated by a pile of simulated leaves in the bottom left hand
| Brambleware supports a comprehensive
word processing package - WORDSPLURGE - which has a merge facility not
found in most computer systems. This allows for two contradictory statements
of Official Policy to be merged into a new document which bears no relation
to either of its parents. SHAMBLES then fine-tunes the output to ensure
the maximum strategic de-correlation with the financial control function.
GOBBLE BOXFILE tips the unsorted contents of a box file into the computer
memory, where it is held in its original undefined format. Once in memory,
the instruction DOUBLEGOBBLE BOXFILE allows the contents of one file to
be fused with any other file.
Perhaps the most useful application package
is DUM DEC, which provides a transparent interface with existing staff.
DUM SEC is an advanced paperless office management system that emulates
liveware. It mis-collates reports, double records onto floppy discs and
comes equipped with a largely random access memory. When in the mood -
and it does have moods - it spreads rumours over the data highway, misappropriates
the tea club money and crashes the mainframe computer on payday. WAIT puts
all incoming telephone calls through a random queueing sequence using a
Monte Carlo switching algorithm. EXCUSE generates twenty five plausible
reasons for delaying a meeting.
SHADOW gives cover for unauthorised absence
by simulating a managerial presence. This can be activated at a distance,
using a portable acoustic coupler and a GPO landline.
Brambleware offers a degree of dis- integration
that gives most Offices of the Future that Stone Age Look. Cast lovely
Lisa the housemouse from your affections : she'll make a good breakfast
for the Housecat. Forget Apples, Apricots, Acorns and Peanuts: come Brambling
instead! You will never regret it! Take steps now to preserve the ecology
of your office before it is too late.
© Antony Anderson 1983 and 2000